I wrote it the last week of staying Greece. Few days after breakup. It was very painful time, not only from break up, we were dealing tragedy accident that happened to us. Reading it makes me emotional, but I am glad that I could know I am healing, step by step, but definitely healing.
I am having miserable and lonely stay in Greece now. Probably my time in Greece was finished last year. Facing breaking up with my relationship, which is huge fear and pain for everyone I think. Why this happened to me again? Why I am doing it.. I feel I am a drama queen, or addiction to love. But what I wanted was always long lasting love, true love, the love to the end what ever it is. Not something just spark and finish. But it turned out like that again… I still not regret at all, I still truly loved him.
But I should admit that I had some doubt for this relationship since beginning. I can’t quite explain well where that came from. Maybe just fear, fear of breaking up, fear to feel love again.
We had strong magnet, but I felt we might need to give up few things to make this relation going. Also between us, life won’t be so settled. I understand that sometimes we have to give up somethings in order to keep the relationship. We might be happy to give up and merged into other life line. Or maybe not so happy, but definitely worth it. It is part of relationship process I guess. And won’t feel settling down is fun thing too, always challenging to new thing, moving around. I also was thinking settling down means different for each person.
I just felt it won’t be easy, but I couldn’t stop fall in love to him.
Many times I felt I know him from other form. He wasn’t him, but the same soul. I wanted to find out who he was or who I am seeing trough his eyes. This beautiful, sensitive, warm and nostalgic familiar energy.
He found something in me also, but what we start showing to each other was big wounds. Our heart is open, and we see pain inside. We couldn’t hide the wounds, because we opened up completely to each others. I am not sure he did, but I did. I think he is a guy who can’t hide many things, but also hide pain in other way. I was hiding the pain and even forgot it. I don’t want big drama and other pain to find out my issues/pain anymore, but yes, that is only positive way to see from breakup I guess… I found it.
“Loneliness” has so many element. As well as any other emotions. But getting simpler and pinpointing and acceptable?!?! because it’s not so mysterious anymore after pointing out where it came from. And giving huge hug to it. My friend advised me to detach from emotions, still feel it all, but not be inside of it. Inner child work is similar to it. We find reasons, and visualize it as own childhood, separate from my own self, and feel the emotions completely.
We had a lots of fights. And when we fights we became the wounds. Wounds controlling us, and we were acting like little kids. I saw him as crying, or huge sadness but he is attacking me, and I am attacking him(*verbally). I start screaming and yelling, while feeling fear to him. I could only see complete hate, feels hatred from his eyes at that time. Facing some one who I love is hating me.. it’s unbearable fear.
We both became monsters, loosing ourself in anger, and also crying in heart with this pain, and what we are doing to our loved one.
This kind of fights doesn’t go anywhere. Some fights make the bond between two. But we are not really fighting to others, we are fighting with past, or just the wounds are screaming.
I was started searching where my wounds came from, or what is it exactly. I thought if one person is healed, then maybe the fight won’t be bad. But it wasn’t easy, I was finding lots of related wounds doing breakup. I couldn’t change it so quickly. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had too much pain, and he decided to end. I still dreamed about overcoming obstacles, and having life with him. But also accepting it was our fate. We don’t need to take the hard road.
I am hoping, he received love from me, not only pain. I want to be better at loving others.
