I want clothes!
To be honest, I almost always do. I grew up surrounded by women, and shopping has always been one of life’s small pleasures. But this time, from the very beginning of the trip, the feeling was especially strong.
At the first residency, it was cold, and:
- I only had a set of warm clothes, so wore pretty much the same clothes every day.
- I hadn’t brought much because I planned to buy things along the way.
- But I was staying somewhere for more than three weeks where there was basically nowhere to shop.
So the desire exploded.
At one point I even started making remade clothing pieces myself (which, in the end, I never really wear…).
Then finally I arrived in Lisbon, a proper city, and I found myself looking at clothes almost every day. But what exactly did I want? Nothing quite felt right. None of it really clicked.
I had come here to create, and yet somehow I might have been spending a lot of time thinking about clothes….
So, one way or another, “clothes” became something I ended up thinking about quite a lot.
At the residency in Spain, a version of myself that lacked confidence suddenly surfaced. I started comparing myself to other people, and within that mindset, clothing became something I was hyper-aware of.
Living in Hawaii, I’m basically dressed for being half naked. Comfort comes first. Clothes that can get dirty. Clothes I won’t get upset about if a cat scratches them. I almost never have occasions that require dressing up, and I mostly live in flip-flops.
Then suddenly I became someone who wanted to be “an artist.”
And I thought, oh shoot… what do I do now?
Other artists would show up dressed up for dinner. Everyone seemed to have some kind of ”expression” in the way they dressed.
And every time I met other people, I made comments like, “Looking good,” or “I like your outfit.”
Like the kind of conversation starter used by hostesses at Japanese snack bars, clothing store employees, or people who struggle with small talk.
Compliment the clothes first. But I wasn’t trying to make conversation. I was just obsessed with what everyone else was wearing.
When someone replied, “Of course, we are artists,” it hit me right in the chest.. daaa
I wasn’t confident in my work. I wasn’t confident in my relationships with people. And somewhere inside that uncertainty, I unconsciously wanted clothing as armor.
Though I don’t think that’s really where the answer lies.
Maybe it started with wanting armor. But several things people said stayed with me, and eventually led to a project based on those conversations.
This image was made at Buinho, Messejana Portugal.
It was almost a last-minute idea, so my model didn’t have many clothes with him. But he told me that he likes Japanese cosplay aesthetics, and also enjoys dressing in feminine ways. At the same time, in this small village, he tries to dress conventionally so as not to surprise people.
Another artist there makes what she calls sculptures — things worn on the body as a form of self-expression.
She told me, “I don’t want to call what I make costumes. A costume is something you wear to become someone else. What I make is the opposite. It’s the most myself I’ve ever felt. More naked than being naked.”
That made complete sense to me.
And it also made me think that José’s cosplay wasn’t about pretending to be someone else either. Compared to wearing ordinary clothes he didn’t care about, it felt much closer to his true self. It was an attempt to express and explore who he is. Something that requires courage.
Even through something as simple as clothing, I saw so many different layers during this trip.
And the theme here is acceptance.
Acceptance of oneself, certainly. But also the capacity for acceptance within this village.
It’s a tiny place. The kind of town where there’s only one restaurant.
And yet artists from all over the world come and go constantly.
People like me show up, taking photographs of everything. People like me who can’t speak Portuguese at all.
And still, they welcome us.
Of course, that openness is probably the result of a lot of work by the residency organizers. But there is also a generosity to it, a spaciousness.
And I found myself thinking: thank you for accepting us.
Lately, no matter what I see, what I do, or what I hear, the relationship between clothing and self keeps standing up in front of me.
洋服が欲しい！女ばっかりで育って 買い物が楽しみの一つになってるので いっつも結構欲しいけど 今回は旅の出だしからこの思いがかなり強かった。 最初のレジデンシーで 寒かったのもあって １、ほぼ毎日同じ服を着てた、２、買うつもりできたからあんまり持ってこなかった、３、でも買い物なんかいけるところに滞在してない最初の３週間強で その思いが爆発！思わず リメイク品を作ってみたくらい（全然結局着ないけど。。）
で やっとリスボン、大きな街に滞在したら ほぼ毎日服を見てて けど結局何が欲しいのか？って感じだし どれもしっくりこない。 創作しにきてるのに どこかで服のことばかり考えてたかも。。。 そんなこんなで”服”に関して 色々考えることになった。
スペインのレジデンシーで 一気に自信がない自分が出て 人と比べる、その意識の中で 服装がとにかく気になった。ハワイにいて 裸？みたいな格好、楽チンが一番、汚れてもよくって 猫に引っ掻かれても怒りが出ない服、でもってほぼドレスアップしてどこかに行くことはないので ビーサンしか履かない、そんな自分から ”アーティストでいたい”さん、に急になったんで えー どうしようー と。 他のアーティストがディナーの際にドレスアップしてくる、 みなさん それなりに服装での自己主張がある。で 会うたびに looking good, I like your outfitとか お水のお姉さんか 洋服屋の人か コミュニケーション苦手な人が最初にする会話のきっかけ、みたいな感じで 服を褒める。 of course we are artistsって返答された時に 胸がグサっとなった 笑
自分の創作にも自信がない、人間関係も自信がない、それが 服、という鎧を無意識に欲した。そこじゃなかろう、と思うけど
最初は鎧が欲しい、から始まってたかもしれないけど なんか いくつかの人が発した言葉がすごく残ってて それに基づいたプロジェクトをすることになった。
これはbuinhoでの撮影。ほぼラストミニッツの思いつきなので モデルの彼はあまり服がなかったけど 彼は 日本のコスプレっぽいのが好きで それと女装するというのかな？そういうのが好きだけど この小さな村では他の人をびっくりさせないように普通の格好を心がけている、という。もう一人いたアーティストはスクラプチャーと呼ぶ、体に纏うものを作って自分を表現する。彼女が 私の作るものはコスチュームとは呼びたくない、コスチューム、は何か別のものになろうとするもの、で 私のこれは 最も自分らしい、裸より裸に感じるものだから、と話してて 納得、と思いながら Joseのコスプレも 普通のどうでもいい服を着るよりずっと裸に近い、自分、というものを模索しながら表現してるもの、勇気が必要となるものだ、と思った。
服ひとつとっても 今回の旅の中でたくさんの要素を見た。で このテーマはアクセプタンス、受け入れ。自己の受け入れでもあるし この村の人たちの受容能力？もすごいよなって思って。田舎町、街には一軒しかレストランがない、みたいなところに世界中のアーティストが入れ替わり立ち替わり来ている。で 私みたいに写真を撮りまくったり ポルトガル語全く喋れませーん、でも 心地よく受け入れてて それはレジデンシーの人たちの努力の結果なんだろうけど おおらかというのか 受け入れてくれてありがとう、と思った。
何を見ても 何をしても、何を聞いても 服と自分、がスタンドアップするここ最近です。
